Weathering The Storms
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,
for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. James 1:2-3 (ESV)
This is something I am not very good at, not my faith, but the joy, see my life has been filled with trials and tribulations, sometimes it seemed that death would be a good answer, considering the fact that I never doubted God was real… I would watch my mother stand strong in her faith, sometimes it looked like God had already spoken to her what the outcome would be, which isnt the case, it was her faith that made her at peace…
I chased that peace all over the world, and never found it until a few years back, I am a very bitter and angry man from the things I have faced in this world, I now focus my life on Christ, but even with that fact deep in my heart, and the knowledge of the fact that in the end God will be Glorified in all that is done… I am joyless most of the time… When I face a trial now I dont sweat the details, I am ok with that part of it, I can stand strong in my faith, although I dont need to test it anymore then it already is on a daily basis… The part I struggle with is finding the joy…
I know what it looks like, I witnessed it first hand just before Christmas… we were at a mens group that I have been going to faithfully for two years now… One of the men has a wife that is going through chemo, and has cancer, when pray request came around he told this story…
He said my wife and I were discussing her cancer, when she looked at me and asked this question… How will God be Glorified with this? to watch him was amazing, the love of Jesus just oozed from him like blood from a fresh wound… Here was a man I looked up to, just weeks before he seemed to have it all, and I could understand the friendly handshake, and smiles that always greeted me when I seen him… But now he is facing something HUGE, and yet when I seen him he was exactly the same, there was no weight dragging around his neck… he was almost joyful… Now he asked the same prayer request he normally did, something to the effect of God is such an amazing God and has blessed my life so richly, how could he possibly ask for anything, even in this time of need, that God wouldnt already know… talk about faith, man I was blown away…
Look I give it to God, I always do, sometimes quicker then others now… but I am not joyful, what oozes from me is not the love of God, it is a very bitter and angry flow of evil… God is an amazing God he saved a sinner like me, Yes I asked him to forgive me of my past, and in my heart I know he has, BUT I can not forgive myself of what has happened…
Many friends and family say they see a softening of my heart and see it within me… I dont feel it, I know where it comes from, it comes from reading his word, and letting it out a little at a time… Pray that God continue to soften my soul through His Mighty Word, and that I not give up on letting go…
Lord I am sorry for my past, please help me forgive myself for what I have done, I know in my heart that you forgive me, you even paid for my mistakes when you died on the Cross… I want to know the joy of letting go and letting God rule my life…
Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty
